iHate Clean Fakers

When you go over someone's place a few times and it's really organized and clean, all the man mags are stacked in chronological order and the sneaks lined up by color/release date.  Then, on some off day, you stop by because you forgot your whatever it was on their dresser and discover that shits gotten all explosive. Mac and cheese in a cup under the bed, clothes piled high on what he called his "reading" chair, dust bunny colonies building Egyptian pyramids near the door.  Why all the foolery?  It's all good.  Have you seen my room?  No need to pretend.  I'll make you a deal, stop faking clean and I'll stop faking....clean.

iHate Jellyfish

Who decided that a floating, poisonous, plastic bag would make a good fish?

iHate Froot Loops

Which part is actually fruit?  or does the fact that it's "froot" indicate there is no actual fruit in the product?  Either way, it's shitty to imply some sort of produce is in these awful bites of sugar fat.  That's like selling me a dog with a saddle and calling it a "hoarse". Suck my D, Toucan Sam.  Might as well be Toot Loops.

iHate Oxford Commas

Who gives a f*ck about an oxford comma?

Boring explanation: A string of words separated by commas where the second to last word in the list is followed by a comma before the word "and" or "or" i.e I found a suitcase full of buttplugs, dildos, and Cheese Whiz.  You see that comma?  Well people in my field of work argue about whether or not it's necessary.  The Brits hate it, journalists adore it, etc.  Basically, WHO THE FUCK CARES??  The Vampire Weekend song about it is great though, love it.

iHate Charlie Horses

You know, when you wake up in the night feeling like your leg is stuck under a bus full of elephants? Yeah, that, iHate it.  What are we to do?  Eat a banana.  Muthafucker I have so much potassium in my system, I shit from A to Zinc. 

iHate Wannabe Spicy

If you're going to claim your salsa is spicy, it better hurt me good.  Otherwise, might as well be pasta sauce.

iHate Balloon Pop Anxiety

Unless they live out their natural lives and deflate on their own, the only way they die is through popping.  This makes me uncomfortable (in fact, iHate it) because who knows when they'll encounter a sharp enough object?  These little balls of compacted air anxiety are scary and iHate them.


[Thank you Kate for making it a little easier on me this weekend]